It’s feels so odd to have a crush on someone after so long.
I’m on this never ending rollercoaster, and I want to tell him that I like him and that I think he’s the loveliest boy I’ve ever met…. I want him to know that his smile makes me weak, and how it baffles me that he knows what I’m thinking without me having to say anything, and that I’ve never been one to be swoon over blue eyes but his make me feel like I’m in the middle of a deep, blue sea. He says things like “I like the way you see things” and he always says that I can make the most difficult things, simple. He admires me for the way I carry myself, as opposed to how much weight my bones are carrying. When we talk with each other, I can feel him listening to me and taking in every word I say and holding on to each syllable even if it’s just a simple “how’s your day going?”. I’ve never felt this kind of feeling towards any person before and I’ve never had anyone truly care about what I have to say.
Even if that’s the case, I don’t think that he sees me as someone he wants to be with. I believe that my physical appearance stops him from having feelings past being friends. I’m not saying he’s a shallow person, because he isn’t. I think to have strong feelings about someone, you have to have at least a small physical attraction to them. It’s just frustrating to know that to have someone love me, I have to look a certain way. It’s even more frustrating to realize that I have to look a certain way, to love myself.
One of the worst feelings (I’ve felt recently) is having a dream about someone you’re no longer friends with, and in that dream you somehow solve your problems and forgive each other and become friends again and everything is perfect for a moment…. Then you wake up and realize none of it actually happened.